The Simple Plot of Snake Eater
by curiousvillage
Summary: this is what happens in mgs3: snake eater. the title pretty much says it all


[SNAKE EATER plays]

MAJOR TOM: SNAKE there are some wacky death machine wepons stuff going on in the SOVIET UNION

also theres some LOSER FUCKING IDIOT SCIENTIST you should save

SNAKE: hhhhuuuh

MAJOR TOM: what the fuck was that

SNAKE: my patented SNAKE noise of responding to something without saying anything

MAJOR TOM: oh-kay-then

[SNAKE jumps out of a plane]

MAJOR TOM: let me introduce you to the team

SIGINT: hi im gun man

PARAMEDIC: im like MEI LING but instead of philosophy i talk about movies

LYNDON B JOHNSON: im the president of the united states

SNAKE: MISTER PRESIDENT GET OUT

THE BOSS: and then theres me

SNAKE: ah FUCK

THE BOSS: how long has it been SNAKE

SNAKE: exaclty 5 years 4 months 3 weeks 2 days 12 hours 5 minutes and 32 seconds

THE BOSS:

SNAKE:

THE BOSS:

SNAKE: 37 seconds

THE BOSS: anyways

SNAKE: COMMENCING VIRTUOUS MISSIONS

THE BOSS: CQC

SNAKE: oh SHIT new mechanics

THE BOSS: a better camera

SNAKE: my DICK !

THE BOSS: you need to kill people who think love you

SNAKE: YEAwait just a minute there what did you mean by that

THE BOSS: im hanging up

SNAKE: uuuuuuh okay soooo

VOLGIN: PIKACHU...PIKACHU...

SNAKE: what

VOLGIN: its an electric pokemon

SNAKE: yeah aaaaaand?

VOLGIN: i have electric powers

and pokemon is cool

SNAKE: oh like CHIMCHAR

VOLGIN: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE

THE BOSS: im defecting

SNAKE: my DICK just fell off

VOLGIN: allow me to introduce you to the team

we have me, THE AWESOME

BOSS, aka THE POWER

SORROW, aka THE GAY

FEAR, aka THE BASTARD

FURY, aka THE GUY WITH NO EARS

PAIN, aka THE BEE POWER

and together we are

THE SNAKE SLAYERS

SNAKE:

[SNAKES breaks his own arm and jumps off a bridge]

THE BOSS: he is still but a child

VOLGIN: cool

OCELOT: also im here too

THE BOSS: fuck off

OCELOT: oh

VOLGIN: hey check this out

[VOLGIN nukes USSR]

OCELOT: hey why thought'

VOLGIN: because fuck

[time passes]

MAJOR TOM: hey SNAKE

you gotta go fix that shit

also kill the BOSS

SNAKE: WHAT

MAJOR TOM: and call me ZERO now

i messed up a movie reference

oh and meet up with ADAM

JUST ADAM

NO ONE ELSE

SNAKE: huuuuuuuuh

hey is that a horse

im gonna eat it

[THE BOSS appears out of nowhere and kicks SNAKE'S ASS]

BOSS: go home idiot

SNAKE: why did you do it

BOSS: you're only an hour in im not telling

[BOSS disappears]

SNAKE: WELL OKAY

RANDOM ASS GIRL: hey are you SNAKE

SNAKE: are you ADAM

GIRL: no you fucking idiot

SNAKE: who are the PATRIOTS

GIRL: what are you fucking talking about

SNAKE: uuuuuuuuh

GIRL: anyways

im EVA

heres a CHINESE PISTOL

SNAKE: and heres a flashback to where i remember that you meet SOKOLOV in the VIRTUOUS MISSION

[FLASHBACK]

SOKOLOV: hey im SOKOLOV

i made SHAGOHOD

also i suck

VOLGIN: im taking SOKOLOV bye

SNAKE: okay see ya

OCELOT: no we need to fight

SNAKE: get a revolver or ill dox you

OCELOT: ugh fine...

[END FLASHBACK]

SNAKE: do i really have to rescue that guy

EVA: yeah...

SNAKE: well fine lets progress the plot

OCELOT: DID SOMEONE SAY PLOTCELOT

SNAKE: fuck you ugly

OCELOT: at least i dont wear a memento of my TRAITOR MENTOR

SNAKE: pplsfesease ju3e;st im sosrrrrrrrry

EVA: CRY TYPING IS FUCKING FAKE IDIOT

[EVA kicks OCELOT with her MOTORCYCLE and drives away]

SNAKE: well okay

EVA: hey do you wanna know why i defected from my country

SNAKE: nope

EVA: its because i wanted to

SNAKE: okay cool

EVA: anyways wear this CROCODILE HAT and sit in the BOX for TWELVE HOURS

SNAKE: uuuuuuh

OCELOT: guess whose back and has 1 more gun than before

SNAKE: who is it

OCELOT: its good ol two revolver OCELOT

SNAKE: okay well this is easy

THE PAIN: Bees.

SNAKE: what?

THE PAIN: Bees.

SNAKE: why is this a boss fight

BEES: The Pain.

MAJOR ZERO: WATCH OUT FOR HIS BEE TOMMY GUN ATTACK SNAKE

SNAKE: i know-

MAJOR ZERO: LOOK OUT HERE COME THE BEES

[SNAKE beats THE PAIN]

SNAKE: man those caves were a pain in the ass to navigate

PARAMEDIC: did you know COBRAS ended WWII

or WWI

or both

SNAKE: huuuuuuhn

MAJOR ZERO: hurry up and get SOKOLOV and kill the BOSS

SNAKE: stop

oh wait SOKOLOV is right there

also so is the END and the other TROLL SLAYERS

sorry i didnt mention him before i fucking forgot like an idiot

[SOKOLOV does some piss tricks in his pants]

OCELOT: YEAH WELL I CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT

[OCELOT spins his 3 guns around like a fucking madman]

BOSS: KNOCK IT OFF

NO MORE TV

OCELOT: noooooooooooooooooo

VOLGIN: i disrespect women

SNAKE: this guy must die

THE BOSS: okay team lets dispearse

[SNAKE kills THE END before he can wheel himself away]

SNAKE: nice one less plot point i have to worry about forgetting

and once again just like the last time i did one of these i closed the window by accident and lost a bunch of progress

life is simply unfair, a single solitary snail and all that

MAJOR ZERO: just do the same jokes SNAKE

SNAKE: i dont fucking remember them who do you think i am

PARAMEDIC: well there was that one absolute fucking club banger that was the one where you talked about how you ripped off funnier people

SNAKE: but i dont think i did

im avoiding doing the HIIMDAISY jokes

SIGINT: but what about ripping of TEAMFOURSTAR in THE SIMPLE PLOT OF THE CELL SAGA

SNAKE: i just know i didnt rip of their whole bit

SIGINT: well yeah you couldnt have

TFS isnt done with CELL SAGA ABRIDGED right now

SNAKE: theyre funnier than me im not worried about those jokes being used

okay back to plot

oh look im talking to RUSSIAN STEROTYPE

RUSSIAN STEROTYPE: vodaka

i made METAL GEAR SOILD: TATICAL ESPIONAGE ACTION

then sold it to ONE OF THOSE EMMERICH FUCKS

SNAKE: okay cool

also i just remember i closed chrome by accident right when i was talking about how i liked mgs2

isnt that fascinating

MAJOR ZERO: ill crash the fucking computer you are writing this on if you talk about that again

SNAKE: oh yeah also there was a joke where i get too fucking meta in this shit

did i already save that and im misremembering what i wrote?

who fucking knows not me thats for sure

anyways i guess THE FEAR is next

PARAMEDIC: SNAKE

have you seen 3 NINJAS

SNAKE: better fucking believe i have

PARAMEDIC: what about the disney classic SKY HIGH

SNAKE: best disney movie of all time

MAJOR ZERO: by the way i remember you made a joke about KONAMI being afwul

make sure that gets back in somewhere

SNAKE: ok

PARAMEDIC: hey SNAKE

do you know what today is

SNAKE: uuuuuhhh hehehh its april 20th

hhhhahhahahh

PARAMEDIC: no

its the day we first met

MAJOR ZERO: SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THIS MGS2 BULLSHIT

JUST HURRY UP AND KILL THE FEAR

THE FEAR: just hurry up and kill me

SNAKE: undertale is a great game

THE FEAR: yeah i

SNAKE: IS WHAT I WOULD SAY

IF I WERE A FOOL

WHICH I AM NOT

HA

[SNAKE kills THE FEAR]

EVA: good thing you wrote out THE ENDS fight so you can just skip right to GROZNJI GRAD or whatever

SNAKE: yeah thats cool

i just gotta climb this ladd-

SNAKE EATER: what a thrill

with darkness and silence through the night

SNAKE: well okay

[SNAKE meets up with EVA]

EVA: eat this uncooked instant noodles you fucking garbage can

also BOOBS

SNAKE: i dont wanna play this level

EVA: hey wanna write about this really uncomfrtable scene where i ask about your complicated relationship with THE BOSS

SNAKE: no

[ELSEWHERE]

VOLGIN: i think there is a spy

EVERYONE: i bet its EVA

VOLGIN: nah i dont think so

EVA: nah its me

VOLGIN: haha what a kidder

THE BOSS: i think the AMERICANS are after the PHILOSOPHERS LEGACY

VOLGIN: :o

[BACK WITH SNAKE]

SNAKE: i am fighting THE FURY NOW

THE FURY: i

SNAKE: more like the FURRY am i right guys

[THE FURY EXPLODES]

SNAKE: WELL okay

MAJOR ZERO: shut the fuck up its GROZNJI GRAD time

SNAKE: dont you want to rehave the conversation about mgs2

MAJOR ZERO: this is why i create a global war economy

EVA: speaking of mgs2 kill FAKE RUSSIAN RAIDEN so you can be AN IMPERSIONATION OF THE FAKE RUSSIAN RAIDEN

and go talk to SOKOLOV too i guess

SNAKE: HHHHUHN

oh hes right there

SOKOLOV: they done did it

SHAGOHOD works

SNAKE: whoopsies

SOKOLOV: i suck

SNAKE: yeah i know

VOLGIN: howdy

WAIT

YOU ARENT FAKE RUSSIAN RAIDEN

[THE TORTURE SCENE HAPPENS]

SNAKE: i am missing an eye now

thanks LYNDON B JOHNSON

MAJOR ZERO: just crawl around in the fucking sewers and jump off idiot

SNAKE: well okay

[SNAKE does the absolute madman]

SNAKE: so im pretty much dead right]

THE SORROW: yeah kinda

SNAKE: hey i only killed like 2 people in this entire story according to the simplified plot so can i just go

SORROW: okay i guess

SNAKE: dopamine

[SNAKE regains consciousness]

EVA: hey snake heres an eyepatch

also lets Have Sex

SNAKE: no i Respect Women too much

[SNAKE eats a SNAKE]

SNAKE: haha nice

EVA: i hate you so much right now

anyways have this C3 go blow up the SHAGOHOD

SNAKE: okay ill go do thay now

THE BOSS: okay ill go catch you doing that now

VOLGIN: guys,,,,,,uh...real bad news. turns out EVA was the spy the whole time

this fuckin sucks

i hate this so much

im crying

i wanna die

EVA: and i couldda gotten away with it to

if it wasnt for you damn kids

VOLGIN: oh and she had the PHILOSOPHERS LEGACY

SNAKE: what the fuck is that

VOLGIN: a shitton of money

SNAKE: oh okay

VOLGIN: lets do a boss fight

SNAKE: OKAY

OCELOT: i hope SNAKE wins

[SNAKE does win]

VOLGIN: well this fuckin blows

EVA: hey THE BOSS let me go

lets escape the explosion on motorcycle

SNAKE: fine i guess

EVA: so you can KILL HER LATER

SNAKE: WHAT NO

VOLGIN IN THE SHAGOHOD: okay but you gottta spend 3 hours trying to fight me the right way

SNAKE: UGH

EVA: oh yeah by the way

i dont know how to drive at all

[VOLGIN gets struck by lighting and dies]

EVA: wow thought that would be more of a problem

seeing as how i dont know how to drive

[they crash and EVA gets like a tree branch stabbed through her stomach]

SNAKE: this part of the game was designed by SATAN himself

you cant sneak this shit

the is garbage

i hate it

anways here we are at final boss

THE BOSS: oh hey guys

lets explain my very tragic and very upsetting story

SNAKE: do we gotta do that here

i think everyone reading knows it

and i dont know how many jokes i can make about it

THE BOSS: fuck if i care

the PHILOSOPHERS stole my baby

they betrayed me too

and i had to kill the SORROW

SNAKE: uh

THE BOSS: THIS SCAR PROVES THAT I AM A MOTHER

SNAKE: uuuuuuh

THE BOSS: I SAW THE EARTH FROM SPACE AND I UNDERSTAND THE TRUE MEANING OF THE WORLD NOW

SNAKE: what is it, BOSS?

THE BOSS: THE EARTH IS ROUND

MAJOR ZERO: FUCKING KILL HER

SHES LYING

[SNAKE kills the BOSS]

SNAKE: BOSS

is it really true?

is the world...not flat?

THE BOSS: find that out...for...yourself

[THE BOSS DIES]

EVA: well lets go home SNAKE

SNAKE: im fucking depressed but okay

OCELOT: HEY IM IN ALL THE OTHER GAMES SO I GOTTA BE IN THE ENDING

what is your real name SNAKE

SNAKE: my real name is PERSONA4FAN98

EVA: this is why im talking the PHILOSOPHERS LEGACY

also the governemnt tricked you into killing the BOSS

im a chinese spy

SNAKE: fucking owned

GOVERNMENT DUDES: hey so you killed the BOSS

so you can be BIG BOSS

EVA: oh yeah and THE BOSS was a TRUE PATRIOT

she gave up everything for the good of her country and everything that is good on earth

she only wanted the best for you and she wants to live on in your heart

BIG BOSS: man this sucks

im gonna go MISINTERPRET THE BOSS'S WILL FOR DECADES, RESULTING IN THE DEGRADATION OF THE WORLD

also maybe do a bit of walking for peace

or maybe do some portable style operations

maybe do some acid stuff

or just jack off

[END of SNAKE EATER]

...

...

...

OCELOT: yeah

Yeah man

no one really knew the whole time i was actually SOLID SNAKE from the future where RAIDEN was a GAY PANDA

uh huh

sure thing mister president

yes

i will find that fourth chaos ememerald

yes

of course

ALL HAIL SHADOW

[END of THE END]


End file.
